I Don't Disagree
When someone says, "I don't disagree (IDD).", what do they mean?
When I hear those words, my stomach tightens. Rather than interrupting the speaker and inquiring about his or her meaning, I concentrate on relaxing by taking a deep breath and continue listening. Why? I think people, including myself, sometimes struggle for the right words but if I listen, eventually their other words will help me arrive at a meaning.
But if someone says IDD repeatedly, I ask them about their meaning. For instance, a colleague, Jason, said, "I don't disagree with you." seven times in response to other participants' statements during several meetings yesterday. On the eighth instance, when he said IDD loudly to me, I ask him, "Do you mean that you agree with me?"
I watched his reaction carefully: He hesitated. His eyes looked up to the ceiling then down to the ground. Eventually his eyes returned to mine and he said softly, "No, not really." I asked him inquisitively, "What did you mean?" He paused for several seconds. He stared at the ground and then slowly looked up and leveled his eyes with mine and replied, "I said IDD to prevent any chance of an argument with you so I could talk." His honesty stunned me and I appreciated him for it. The meeting continued and I think it was better because of the interaction.
If you are in the habit of saying IDD, I suggest thinking about whether those words effectively communicate your desired meaning. If you want the floor, skip the IDD and say what is on your mind. If you hear others say IDD repeatedly, when it is said to you, ask the person, "Does that mean you agree with me?" I think you will discover it means something much different than, "We agree."
When I hear those words, my stomach tightens. Rather than interrupting the speaker and inquiring about his or her meaning, I concentrate on relaxing by taking a deep breath and continue listening. Why? I think people, including myself, sometimes struggle for the right words but if I listen, eventually their other words will help me arrive at a meaning.
But if someone says IDD repeatedly, I ask them about their meaning. For instance, a colleague, Jason, said, "I don't disagree with you." seven times in response to other participants' statements during several meetings yesterday. On the eighth instance, when he said IDD loudly to me, I ask him, "Do you mean that you agree with me?"
I watched his reaction carefully: He hesitated. His eyes looked up to the ceiling then down to the ground. Eventually his eyes returned to mine and he said softly, "No, not really." I asked him inquisitively, "What did you mean?" He paused for several seconds. He stared at the ground and then slowly looked up and leveled his eyes with mine and replied, "I said IDD to prevent any chance of an argument with you so I could talk." His honesty stunned me and I appreciated him for it. The meeting continued and I think it was better because of the interaction.
If you are in the habit of saying IDD, I suggest thinking about whether those words effectively communicate your desired meaning. If you want the floor, skip the IDD and say what is on your mind. If you hear others say IDD repeatedly, when it is said to you, ask the person, "Does that mean you agree with me?" I think you will discover it means something much different than, "We agree."
1 Comments:
Thanks, Steve. I sometimes use a variation on this phrase when my own thoughts are not well formed enough to know whether or not I disagree. That said, you make a good point when you write, "If you are in the habit of saying IDD, I suggest thinking about whether those words effectively communicate your desired meaning."
Some additional thoughts your post brings to mind: I try to find ways of communicating that leave room for uncertainty. I want to avoid giving the impression that I think I have it all figured out. I want to leave room for being wrong, for changing my mind, for the distinct possibility that the other person talking has knowledge or insight I'm missing. I also try to remember that not everything is a debate. I used to switch into debate mode too readily, I think. I try to save debate for when it's what the cues of social situation call for, and for topics where I have a more considered position.
Thanks again,
Dan
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