HowToKnowWhatWeReallyWant

A problem can be characterized as the difference between what we want and what we have. A problem for me is that I have a hard time knowing what I really want or, perhaps, a difference between my desire to know exactly what I want and the equivocation that generally haunts me. What strategies have you employed to effectively emerge from your equivocations? Or is it just me? BobKing 2003.08.28

Bob it is only you!

The only way that I have discovered what I really want is to be present in the moment rather than the future and/or the past.

I rank the things (not necessarily material things) I desire and choose the one that may only a smidgen more desirable to me than any other. At least it gets me off the mark.

A current example is I am giving away my books that I know I will never read again, no matter how desirable a particular book may seem to me. This has been most difficult. I desire a less cluttered home slightly more than holding containers of knowledge that I may never open again. However, I will never be Prospero and throw all my books into the vasty deep. CharlesAdams 2003.08.23

How do you know which things to rank? How do you know when one thing is a smidgen more desirable than the others? BobKing 2003.08.28

That is the rub.

I seem to differentiate the things that I might truly desire vs. the transitory items that look good a first blush by waiting and see if I still want them after a period of time. That is part of being present in the moment.

Becoming aware of the "smidgen more" for something occurs for me over a period of time as I review the things that catch my fancy. I suppose it is a extended meditation of sorts. CharlesAdams

I think the idea of "really want" is a flawed, NT-type idea. The first thing you need to do, Bob, is adapt a tolerance for imperfection. (an old problem) Learn to choose the thing that's just fine for you, even if not what you "really want." The Buddhists talk about "the contentment with being content." Cultivate that, because I think that's what you really want. - JerryWeinberg 2003.08.28

"Really want" may be a flawed idea, but learning how you rank what you want can be useful. One technique I use is pairwise comparisons. "Is this thing or that thing preferred?" The things don't have to be similar. In many cases, it's easier if they're not similar. I use this technique when trying to help clients rank their requirements. -- JohannaRothman 2003.08.28

Beware the assumption of transitivity. :) -- LaurentBossavit 2003.08.30

Given options A and B, flip a coin, heads for A, tails for B. If you want to override the coin-flip (or you agree with it), you now know which of A or B you want more.

KeithRay 2003.08.30

If you have more than 2 alternatives, use a die, as in Luke Luke Rhinehart's book, The Dice Man. You can weight the alternatives. Just preparing to throw the die often is enough to make the decision clear for you.

With a coin, as Keith suggests, often you know what you really prefer when the coin is still in the air.

Of course, you don't really know until you get it. And then you may not really know because you don't know what the other thing would be like.

And getting everything you think you want can be a curse, too, as happened to PL/I. - JerryWeinberg 2003.08.30

The coin flip and dice approaches are similar to playing the "what-if" game, which, if I remember correctly, is how the AYE conference came into being. What if we held a conference where we held sway in how it was held? What if we held a conference where speakers and conferees were treated with respect? We floated those questions and they grabbed us and brought us to where we are today. I use this technique much with people I work with - but lost sight of it for myself. Thank you, Keith and Jerry.

And thank you, Jerry, for your personal response as well. You helped me start to break a log jam I am experiencing. I know I will still feel angst after inacting my decision (decisioner's remorse?) and I will eventually get over it. BobKing 2003.09.01

HowToKnowWhatWeReallyWant
A problem can be characterized as the difference between what we want and what we have. ...

The "we" in the title to this page and in the first line of its description put me into a dreamy state. I felt asleeep and disconnected from my body. The next sentence woke me up.

Does my feeling have any significance? I don't know.

SteveSmith 2003.09.04

Updated: Friday, September 5, 2003