MumblingInMeetings

This paper came out of the LackingPersonalSkills thread and the DiscussAyersCollaborationProject thread.

Mumbling in Meetings

Dwayne Phillips

Engineers, programmers, and others of us in technical fields are infamous for lacking interpersonal skills. Simply stated, many of us are geeks. An interpersonal skill that we develop slowly is participating in meetings. I struggled for years with how to sit and contribute in a meeting. I�ve also seen many young engineers and programmers do the same.

The setting is a familiar one. It's time for a weekly status meeting or maybe a meeting on a particular topic. There is a table in the middle of the room with chairs around it. There are two types of people in the chairs. One, I'll call the veterans, comprises men and women who have established themselves in the organization. They "belong" and they are comfortable in the meeting. They have developed interpersonal skills for meetings. Hence, they speak with authority, listen to what others are saying, and understand the topic. They are able to think clearly, participate, and contribute to the outcome of the meeting.

The other type of person in the room is the "rookie." It is easy to spot the rookies, and age is not the determining factor as rookies come in all ages. Rookies stand out because they lack interpersonal skills for meetings. Their bodies are tense, their jaws are tight, and their shoulders are pulled in and lifted up as if to protect their neck from oncoming rocks. The rookies often rock back and forth or fidget with the ball of their foot on the ground and their heel wiggling up and down uncontrollably. If the rookie tries to say anything, the words come out as a long mumble. Their hand is in front of their face guarding against any coming blows with their tongue sticking to the roof of a dry mouth.

The rookie is an emotional wreck in the meeting. He is nervous because this is an unfamiliar place. He didn't have meetings in school. If he has been out of school long, he is still uncomfortable because this is a different place and these are different people. The overriding feeling is that he doesn't belong.

The result of these feelings is the rookie doesn't participate in the meeting. After his first mumble, no one asks him anything because it's too embarrassing to hear the reply. The rookie shrinks further into his shell and spends most of the time staring at the floor. The rookie doesn't understand what people are discussing. That is believable as the rookie doesn't know the names of the any of the people and doesn't understand the topic and significance of the meeting. Since he is lost, the rookie daydreams and the meeting seems to last all day.

The rookie's thoughts wander. Over and over again the primary question in the rookie's mind is, "What am I doing here?" The rookie wonders, "Who are these people? What are they talking about? Do they know I'm here?"

I have been the rookie. I have been the stranger sitting in a strange place with strange people speaking a strange dialect. I climbed into my hunched over, hand covering my face shell. Others saw me as a socially awkward person who never came out much. The typical engineer who didn't have any interpersonal skills for meetings.

Meetings with veterans and the rookie happen many times everyday in most organizations. They are commonplace, so who cares? We should all care for several reasons. First, we are wasting the rookie. He becomes discouraged and has feelings of rejection. Second, we are not communicating and that is the real reason we have meetings. After the meeting, the rookie doesn't know what he is supposed to do. The veterans understood one another, decided on something, and all walked back to their computers with a resolve to do something important. The rookie is left wondering what they are doing and wishing that he too knew confidently what he was to do. If only someone would tell him in plain English. His burning desire is to do something and contribute.

There are things that both the rookie and the veterans can do to reduce the mumbling in the meetings. Let's first discuss what the rookie can do to improve his interpersonal skills in meetings. Start with the obvious physical traits. He should sit up straight and relax his body. He can try putting the edge of his tongue between his back teeth as that prevents him from clenching his jaw. He needs to notice and relax the tension in his shoulders and neck. Every couple of moments, the rookie should look around the table and make eye contact with each person at the table one at a time. These activities help the rookie do one thing that contributes to thinking, that is they help him breathe.

Next, the rookie needs to monitor his motion. Don't rock back and forth and don't fidget. If his back is touching the back of the chair, both his feet are flat on the floor, and the palms of his hands are flat on the table, he is sitting still. If his fear cries for motion, he can roll his first finger on the pad of his thumb.

The rookie should bring a glass or bottle of water to the meeting. Drinking water is good for him. It also keeps his mouth from drying and makes it easier to speak clearly. Having his palms flat on the table as suggested above will prevent him from covering his mouth and disguising his words.

The rookie should have a pencil and paper and take detailed notes. This helps in a couple of ways. First, it keeps him from falling asleep. Many a rookie has become bored and bewildered and fallen asleep. Their head either bonks on the table or their neck snaps. The notes also help keep the rookie on topic. He may not understand the topic, but he is trying and gathering some information. Finally, the rookie has a copy of the jargon. After the meeting he can ask someone else to explain the acronyms, names, and secret words.

The final physical thing the rookie should do is to act like he is fine. If he acts like this enough, he may start to feel that way.

Now we come to the important part - the attitude. The rookie belongs in the meeting. This is a strange and uncomfortable place, but sitting in the meeting is one of the things people pay the rookie to do. The rookie neither knows all the people nor what they are discussing. The rookie, however, is a smart and caring person that can learn these things.

Now let's discuss what the veterans can do to help the rookie with his interpersonal skills for meetings. Before the meeting, a veteran should help prepare the rookie mentally. This will ease some of the anxiety and help the rookie relax. Relaxing is a big part of interpersonal skills. The veteran should tell the rookie the names of each veteran, their part of the organization, and their role in the meeting. Have the rookie write this information down the right side of his note pad. The veteran also needs to introduce the rookie to the upcoming meeting. Describe what the people will discuss and what it means to the project. If the people are to make a decision, describe the factors that will influence the decision.

The veterans should also do things during the meeting to help the rookie with his interpersonal skills. Use the names of the people when referring to them. We often just glance at a person and ask them a question. Instead, look at the person, say their name, and then ask the question. Avoid jargon and acronyms when talking. Speak in plain English that the rookie can understand (that also helps the veterans understand). Finally, ask the rookie a question without embarrassing him. Asking about an old company policy will only bring a puzzled look from the rookie. Ask him about something he understands and can reply to thoughtfully.

Finally, the veteran needs to tell the rookie, "You belong here.�

DwaynePhillips 10 June 2003

I revised the MumblingInMeetings article.

DwaynePhillips 10 June 2003 10AM

Updated: Tuesday, June 10, 2003