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WhatHappensToFriendships

I did a session on feedback at a conference today. One of the questions that came up is "How do you give feedback to people when you've been promoted to management and the people who report to you are also your friends?"

I think it's really hard to do. I've seen some people make *really* clear boundaries between "at work" and "away from work" relationships. But in most cases when people are promoted to a different role and end up managing their former peers, I see the friendship side of the relationship fade (or blow up).

After the session, one woman came up to thank me for saying that. She'd recently been promoted to team lead, and no one had told her it would be difficult to have both relationships with people.

What have others experienced? How have others navigated the transition from peer to manager?

EstherDerby 09262005

As a small business owner, I've never been promoted over a friend. However, I've hired friends, as well as relatives, and it's always been difficult. It _can_ work, in my experience, but both people need to be _very_ aware of the different roles and of which hat they're wearing at any particular time. In general, my advice is to avoid the situation if it's at all possible.

SuePetersen 2005.9.26

I did once succeed in keeping non-management friends when I was promoted to management, but they weren�t people who reported to me, so the situation was less fraught.

It�s more workable when a friendship arises between manager and managee, because then you can establish the boundaries and the terms along with the friendship. I�ve been in that situation a couple of times, and made lasting friends. That�s a lot easier than changing the terms and establishing new boundaries in an existing friendship. Some of it has to do with consciousness, I think. Both people know up front that they have to have boundaries, so they consciously set them and talk about them. There�s less at stake, and a lower likelihood of hurt feelings than in a long-standing friendship, where people may avoid talking about the issues out of fear or ignorance, or some sort of mistaken self-promise that there won�t be any issues. -- FionaCharles 27-Sept-2005

Esther: ...in most cases when people are promoted to a different role and end up managing their former peers, I see the friendship side of the relationship fade (or blow up).

I have difficulty with any relationship where someone considers me a subordinate. A friendship would fade if that subordination happened.

I recall the fade in the early part of my career. But many friendships faded in that phase. I learned to distinguish between a colleague and friend.

Later in my career, when a friend was promoted, I trained myself to continue treating them as a peer. And your right, it wasn't easy the first few time because of my perceptions about power.

My observation is that a lot of people have difficulty with the perception that the manager has more power than they do thus a friendship isn't an equal relationship any longer. And the manager feel their friends don't get it because they can't see the the big picture.

Today, my feelings on this subject are related to my empathy for managers. I feel they have less power than me rather than more. Too often managers who want to step up to the next wrung on the ladder subordinate themselves to their management. And part of the bargain is sacrificing the ability to say, "the emperor has no clothes."

And when a manager restrains themselves from responding appropriately with a child like response, I perceive them as less fully human and they become less desirable as a friend.

Hmmm, the above is what happened to some of the friendships that faded in the early part of my career. I expect a friend to be genuine rather than phony.

Participant in the workshop "How do you give feedback to people when you've been promoted to management and the people who report to you are also your friends?"

If you or your friend haven't interacted with each other as adults, start.

SteveSmith 2005.09.28

I've never considered him to be anything other than a friend and a professional work colleague (and a fellow jiggler as NynkeFokma would say). Having worked together for just short of 6 years, we understand each other pretty well and on the occasions I've had to give feedback he's understood where I'm coming from. If there was the possiblity of any major issues then I wouldn't have recruited him in the first place.

Like SteveSmith, I don't consider anyone subordinate - I don't even like using the phrases like "person x reporting to person y" - as far as I'm concerned we're very much a team with complementary and overlapping skills (after all, you need someone to cover for you when you're on vacation!).

PhilStubbington 2005.09.29

I think of power and subordination as being very situational attributes. They're _never_ attached to the person themselves, but I often participate in relationships that have some form of power inbalance.

If my employer tells me "This is how we do this.", I may choose to make suggestions but ultimately, I have to either do it the way they want me to, or leave the relationship. If my employee makes suggestions, I'll certainly listen but I may or may not choose to follow their ideas. And, sometimes, my reasoning comes down to *I* want to do this *my* way.

As a small business owner, I have more at stake than my employees do. That doesn't make me any better or worse than my employees, it doesn't make me superior or inferior. But it does affect the employment relationship. I don't see how it can't affect it... <puzzled>

--SuePetersen 2005.09.30

I like the way you put that it, Sue: power and subordination as being very situational attributes. And neither implies that one is a better or more worthwhile person. But it is a fact of hierarchy.

Any time one person in a relationship has more control over the money and other resources available to both, there's a power imbalance.

In a siutation where one person is in a management/lead position, they have more control over how money is allocated. They may also have power to affect people's work-lives by setting priorities, allocating raises, recommending people for advancement, assigning ratings and evaluation, etc.

Ignoring the power difference doesn't make it go away. And pretending it isn't there makes it more likely that the relationship will end with a sense of betrayal. (At least in my observation.)

I think people can manage with out throwing their power around or using it abusively. I suspect though, that new managers/leads may be a bit clumsy in how they use their power, and that probably contributes to the loss of friendships.

People in management or lead roles have to navigate the projections about power and authority that people in non-management/lead roles put on them (as well as the ones that they put on themselves). I think that's probably one of the most psychologically challenging aspects of management.

EstherDerby 10022005