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AppreciatedBehaviorStories

See AppreciateTheBehaviorYouWant

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says "Who I Am Makes a Difference." on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.

As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess. But somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all."

His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain. The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad". The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life....one being the boss' son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. "Who you are DOES make a difference."

I'm passing the blue ribbon to you, for who YOU are does make a difference too. Take it if you choose, and may your fondest dreams be the least you get.

You are under no obligation to pass this on to anyone...not to two people or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can forget it andmove on. On the other hand, if you want, you could send it to all of the people who mean something to you, or send it to the one, two, or three people who mean the most. Or just smile and know that someone thinks that you are important, or you wouldn't have received this in the first place.

Who you are makes a difference. And I wanted you to know that. Isn't that a wonderful story?

-ErwinVanDerBij 2002.09.20

I found this story a turnoff, not heartwarming or endearing at all. I appreciate the underlying sentiment, but I knew where the story was going the whole time, and I resented it for 1) broadcasting its intentions, and 2) attempting to manipulate my emotions to change my behavior.

I suspect that not only will different people respond differently, depending on their work circumstances, past history, knowledge of teenagers and teenage suicides, and so on, but also from type differences.

I tend to respond to a much lighter touch than the bangs on the head this story gives :-)

I appreciate you, Erwin, for helping me articulate what it is that I like about this story (the message), and differentiating the message from the medium (the story). So, thank you for the story even though my thanks are for a different reason. --JohannaRothman 2002.09.30

Thanks for your response Johanna. I was surprised by your reaction. I am sorry to hear that you resented for this story. When I read the story (sent by a good friend) for the first time I felt heartwarming. I got similar reactions when I sent the story to some good friends. So, I felt it could be useful for people on this wiki as well to have this story as a tool to express their appreciation. Your reaction is a good lesson for me and maybe also for other people as well. So, always be aware for sending a message: the receiver may interpret it quite differently than you meant it (even if you do it with feelings full of compassion and respect). So, Johanna, I like to thank you and to apologize you. Maybe, we can use this thread to further explore the subject: what can you put in broadcast messages; what are the boundaries?

---- ErwinVanDerBij 2002.09.30

I'm not sure there are "boundaries" except that different people will respond differently to the same material. Most of the time, I'm with Johanna on stuff like the above story. I have dear friend, who is the sweetest person I know, who sends me stuff like the above story from time to time. Coming from her it's more like getting hugged too much, vs. getting whacked by a contrived Hallmark moment. There is some distinction between sharing and manipulation, that I can't pin down, other than to say that you aren't my friend Kim, and unlike getting the above from her, I'm well into the "yeah, yeah, yeah 'God bless us, every one.' blah, blah, blah." zone with the above story.

With all that said, it seems odd to me that I've got a few stories like the above, with differences:

• They start with "I"
• I only tell them to an audience that seems connected to me like I am to my friend Kim.
• I don't tell people what to do, in the context of these stories.
• The events surprised me when they happened. Sort of accidental human moments that came along.

For some reason, I'm reminded of parables vs. "witnessing" among the evangelical christians. Parables are one kind of teaching story (which generally don't contain an explicit prescription for action.) "Witnessing" is another - it's a personal presentation of faith acting in one's own life. There are plenty of failure modes around witnessing - like feeling compelled to witness to something that never happened, for example. That said, witnessing - with the religious context removed - strikes me as a better model.

Of course, that's just me. My friend Kim would love to get the story above, from someone she doesn't know, and you'd right away be friends. How she ended up friends with crusty, cynical me, I have no idea.

- JimBullock, 2002.10.1

To be very clear: The story was NOT sent (as a kind of blue ribbon) directly to the people on this WIKI, but to give the people on this WIKI a tool which they can use for some person who would like this kind of appreciation. So Jim could use it for his friend Kim.

--- ErwinVanDerBij, 2002.10.1

Here's what I do know:

• I respond much more positively to the funny stories that circulate. MarieBenesh sent a lovely thing about women of a certain age recently, and I howled in laughter.
• I respond less positively to heart-rending stories. I like a good cry, and I do read books that make me cry. The difference is that the stories I respond well to feel more genuine than this one did to me.

This story seemed so fake to me. I like the idea of helping people build their self esteem, and I was with the story for the first part, but by the time I read about the teenager part of the story, I'd flipped the bozo bit. The teenager part seemed particularly fake to me. Maybe that's why I responded so negatively. Of course, you should know that I'm the parent of a teenager and a teenager-in-training. So, maybe I'm more aware of things that don't fit my context. --JohannaRothman 2002.10.07

Johanna,

Thanks for your response. I understand your reasons. For some people,I am more known for my funny stories and speeches. So, be patient. ---ErwinVanDerBij 2002.10.07