InMyOwnWay

Three of us were standing around chatting. We started talking about our ages. One of us was 32; the other 40 and I am 45. When I heard myself say "45", I was taken aback because I was not viewing myself as that old. I was viewing myself as much younger. When I thought about it, I realized I behave as a much younger me. And because of that, I was getting in my own way.

A younger me would look to others to take the lead and the risks. I would avoid potential conflict. I would say things about people that I would not say to them directly. I sometimes would avoid the obvious because I was inconvenienced.

I was shocked to realize that I am older now and need to get out of my own way. I was not giving myself credit for the experience and knowledge that I have gathered through the years. I was not utilizing my abilities to use the experience and knowledge in the situations I found myself.

I am now trying to act my age and reaping many benefits from it. I needed the shock of hearing myself say how old I was to to get me here and out of my own way.

Have you had experiences like this? What can we utilize to help us see when we are in our own way? BobKing 2002.05.29 ;-)

I get in my own way with impetuous speaking (and sometimes writing). I've learned to filter a little more as I speak, but I still hurt my cause more than I help it sometimes. I've now started telling people that I'm the "Queen of Tact and Diplomacy". That helps, because I find my listeners sometimes cut me more slack than they otherwise would. When I give presentations, I preface some things like this: "You may find this a career-limiting move, but I've said, ..." We all share a little humor, and we can start discussing alternative ways to say the same thing. -- JohannaRothman 2002.05.29 (Hey Bob, where's your StarDate??)

I've had a similar lesson to Bob's. I'm now almost 70 years old, but when it comes to my body, I forget and take on assignments that perhaps I could handle physically when I was a young whippersnapper of 45, like Bob. I can still do 16-hour consulting days (with zero exercise), but afterwards I pay with pain and suffering.
What finally made me wake up was my doctor telling me that I was doing an amazing amount of work "for a man my age." I then described some of the physical consequences of this amazing amount of work and he said, "perhaps you'd feel better if you slacked off a bit and took the time to take care of yourself." Duh!
So, I'm trying to take my doctor's advice, even though he's a youngster of 55 or so. - JerryWeinberg 2002.05.29

In 1993, I had an appendectomy that put me out of commission for a few weeks at age 45. It made me consider the real possibility of mortality for a while and think about what mattered. I decided to be my age more and specialize more in generalizing than narrow specializations. It made me more conscious in my choices. I read Covey's First Things First during that recovery. Mortality makes job stress seem pretty tame, helped me gather perspective. - BobLee 2002.05.29

Three weeks ago I reached the same young age as Jerry's doctor - 55. I get in my own way when I move too fast, am impulsive or stubborn. Perhaps other who lived through the sixties will remember a song with the phrase "but I was so my wiser then, I'm older than that now" (My Back Pages, Bob Dylan). When I get frustrated I remember how oblivious I had been in the past to what made a situation challenging. I often just applied energy and plowed my own path to whatever was next. When I was 50 my sister died of cancer. I realized how ridiculous it was to plow through life and miss the smaller moments. Oddly enough, slowing down takes time and energy and a lot of attention to detail. -BeckyWinant 2002.06.11

I get in my own way when I do what someone thinks I should do instead of what I want to do. I'm finally getting better at saying 'no' to other's requests that don't fit for me, but it's still a struggle. Something similar is when I do something I can do, but really don't like to do. For example, take on a project role that I have the skills for but not the passion. I'm begining to recognize that more, too. Jeez, maybe by the time I'm 70 (I'm 46), I'll get it right! MarieBenesh 2002.06.17

I'm in the whippersnapper category, but the feeling is familiar - I get in my own way by too rarely giving myself credit for the skills I possess, for the short but growing list of accomplishments I can call mine after 10 years in my chosen work.

Getting in my own way is a safe and comfortable thing to do. I realized today that all skill must be "vertiginous". Just as, when climbing a mountain, it is best to look up to how much of a climb remains, and unwise to look down to the abyss; similarly, examining the foundation of my own skills is always a scary thing to do.

When I look down, I realize that the skills I have were acquired by the unskilled me of one year ago, who himself only built on the very brittle foundations of a younger me, and so on, going back to baby me. There is no firm ground to stand on, but a long long fall. So I close my eyes, hang on tightly to wherever I am, stop climbing.

I'm always uncertain what to do about self-doubt. (At least that's consistent.) But I've noticed that when people around me are generous in giving thumbs-ups, pats on the back, little notes of appreciation about what skills I do have, I always look up, resume the climb, and more often than not end up somewhere surprised at what how far I was able to go.

Lately, becoming more reflective about many things, I've taken to paying explicit attention to who's around, to remind me to look up to the climb; and consciously trying to build such relationships. That's a skill too. A climb even more vertiginous than the others I've attempted. But a worthwhile one.

LaurentBossavit 2002.08.06

Laurent, I like your climbing analogy.

It recalls for me 20 years ago when a good friend, Al, (a mountain and rockclimber) was teaching me to climb an easy cliff face - lots of good hand and foot holds. Two lessons I learned that day:

1) In facing your big fear, you might just discover there is no basis for it. Up until that time I had a fear of heights. I was roped in and Al was a good teacher. When Imade it to the top, I turned around and admired the view. Then, I realized I did not feel dizzy or afraid. I had a sense of what it took to get there and how it felt to stand on a nice, firm rock ledge that held my weight just fine. No more fear of heights - ever.

2) Looking ahead is more important that looking back. Al told me stories about his climbing experiences. He remembered the first time out in Yosemite when he pulled himself up another foot only to be face to face with a rattlesnake. He lowered himself and looked for other paths up. If he had been looking elsewhere he may have not seen danger.

- BeckyWinant 2002.08.06

MarieBenesh wrote: "I get in my own way when I do what someone thinks I should do instead of what I want to do."

I find that I get in my own way when I do what I want versus what I should do. When my emotions are running high, I seem to do better when I ask my advisors for advice. CharlesAdams 2005.04.20

In other words, Charles, to keep from getting in your own way, you stay out of your way. Instead, you put other people in your way, but not just one person or you get into Marie's situation very easily. If I want to stay out of my own way, I need to set up support systems like this in advance--people and things both. - JerryWeinberg 2005.04.20

Updated: Wednesday, April 20, 2005